Shit got real

I woke up this morning thinking about how my life would be for the next quarter of this unforeseen phase.

"Am I alone?"

Am I gonna be waking up in the morning in my night dress and my 'morning hair'...and looking into the mirror?and say, "yeah I am alone". 

I looked back...into my books..what I wrote about past tragedies..what I bragged about it...back then life was so real..all the pains...all the lost loves...all the runs...all the tears...I faced it.Alone.

I was thinking about us. About you. About me. About you and me.

I am not sure what is gonna happen.Am I gonna make it?Am I gonna be that person holding your hand when you are down. Am I gonna be there for you hugging you to comfort?Am I gonna be that lucky person?

One thing for sure...I ask myself maybe for a thousand times...I do have this feeling called 'love'. I won't give it away easily...because my heart is longer in its sacred place...it fled away long time ago. I don't have a heart...because it's with you. 

Take a look at mom and dad...take a close look at them. How are they struggling their lives now?They are sleeping in separate bed...they are completely ignoring each other...One left to die, the other is taking a good turn of running away from the title 'husband'.

Take a look at your mom...take a look at your dad...How are they doing now?

Is this what I want in my next quarter of life?I'm so scared. I'm so shit-scared right now. Thinking about life and you, and mom and dad...and everyone I owe their loves with...sometimes makes me wanna die. 

Loving you endlessly now...but in the future sleeping in a lonely blanket in my embrace at night?Ignoring each other's feeling day by day?

No...

Having you in my life is...if I could say beyond what I would ask from God. How grateful I am every time you hold my hand whenever tears are running down my cheek...whenever I can't be who I am...this crazy life bring us closer together. If there was an option between you and the world...I would pick you. Because you are my world.

I will wake up someday...with you in my embrace...

And when my daughter asks me, "Mom, who is your first love?"

I won't have to turn the pages of my school year's book...I'll say..."My first love...there he is...sitting in our living room, looking at you...and me...smiling...he is your dad".

On the next morning...I will wake up...with you.I wanna hold your hand. I wanna hug you. For the rest of my life.